Friday, March 25, 2011

25+ Things Wrong With Me

[This post may be too much of a downer for some of you, sorry, it's reality for me right now]

I'm up at nearly 2 am, because I can't sleep. My mind is swirling with all my failure from today. My failed attempts to train Nation, my drained heart that "greeted" my husband after work, and the fallout that followed both. I know you'll say I'm being too hard on myself and I know you'll say making a list of things wrong with you isn't healthy. You're probably right about both. Yet, I'm already feeling better. It's out. Exposed. Known. Now, maybe, The Lord can begin to further invade these areas. I've tried, but I've failed. I need Him to come and do it through me. I need His love.

Things I'm down about lately:

I can't ever stick to a schedule.
I stay up too late.
I sleep in too late.
I'm always tired.
I rarely spend time with Jesus.
I'm not encouraging enough to my husband.
I speak rudely to my husband.
My house has become grubbier and grubbier.
I stay online too much.
I hardly ever read to my kids.
I hardly ever sit down with my older kids individually.
I religiously go through the motions without even realizing it.
I never brush my kids teeth.
I don't memorize scripture.
I'm always behind on my Beth Moore.
I'm not good at loosing weight.
I'm selfish with my husband.
I speak rudely to my kids.
I don't give away as much money as I know I should.
I can't seem to finish a book.
I'm struggling to meet any of my goals.
I'm rarely walking in the supernatural anymore.
I operate mostly out of my flesh.
I'm so passive to the lies & attacks against my thoughts.
I blame everyone else.
I want more kids, but think I'm already doing a poor job.
I'm always late.
I fear I'll never become who I want to be.
I don't know where to start.
I feel like I get up and the same things happen all over again.
I feel like quitting.
I hate failing.
I'm probably too prideful to even pinpoint the amount.
I'm overly emotional.
I'm too easily angered.
I loose control.
I get too angry.
I've been the same for too long.
I fear I'll never change.
I wonder if I'm alone, but could never tell anyone all this.
I have great intentions and terrible follow through.

I do love my God. I do love my husband. I do love my kids. I do love my friends, and I do love strangers. However, I'm overwhelmed by how poorly I daily---tangibly---communicate and show this. I feel like I'm beyond the "I'm a mess---in need of Jesus", and I've crossed over to, "I'm such a mess forget it Lord, please give up on me too". I feel like I have.

I'm about to start my period. Hence, the drama of this post.

And yet, it's worked like a truth serum. 

I hope I'm not alone.

I know what I ought to do, but don't do it.

There is no one to blame, but me. 

There is no excuse, but my disobedience.

How do I get here? So discouraged, I don't even want to get better. 

But I do.

I don't really need your advice, I don't mean this pridefully, but I already know---I already know what I should be doing, but somehow it seems so much resistance. I know where to go, but I don't know where to start, or maybe I do, but the journey seems to long and hard [as if this one isn't]. Encouragement & Prayer, I'll take.

I stare at this mess [me] like my 4 year old stares at his messy room---he hears the command to clean it up, but is overwhelmed. Jesus, please come to my room, and help me pick up all these pieces. Get this started for me. Clear the floor of these 400 legos and help me organize my life into the right bins. Your buckets of time. Please encourage me and continue to hold me accountable until this room is all picked up. Remind me that I am four and it doesn't [won't] ever be perfect, but I can certainly do more than I'm doing now.



  1. Do not know it it is of any consolation but I could of written this list and added to it. I can't even find the book I'm reading ;).

  2. Wow. Waking up to your blog this morning I must say lifted my spirits. I was just crying last night to my husband about some of the very same things you listed. Although I'm deeply sorry to see you so discouraged, your honesty is soooooooooooooooooo appreciated. So-thanks for being real sista!

  3. love you. remember the KGBS you did about "bringing it into the light"= allows change to occur= Jesus cleaning up your room. prayer bun is on :)

  4. Psalm 23 says "He MAKES me lie down in green pastures." to me, this has always meant that I'm so preoccupied with the "stuff" that I don't makes the priority to rest in His presence. I have felt this exact same way many, many, many times. Comes with the "woman" territory. But now, I take it as Christ's way of MAKING me stop and lie down with Him. Don't look at it as another thing you're failing at, but as Jesus' way of forcing some date time with you. You're an amazing woman of God and your husband and children call you blessed. :) love you.

  5. Even super apostle Paul said, "What I do not want to do, I do. And what I want to do, I do not." Or something like that.

    Somehow knowing that a dude who survived shipwrecks, blindness, and jail also felt like a miserable failure helps me to accept the mercies that are new every morning.

    Love you. And please know that even while you are down in the ditch, you sure as heck ain't alone. {hug}

  6. Lots of prayers for you and family! I too could have written that list. My boss even suggested I take time off to "get organized"...ouch. The balance between wife, mom, friend, and everything else is so challenging!

  7. you are definitely not alone. i was in a very similar place last weekend. funny thing is, i find i become closest to Jesus just around the corners from these places in my life, especially right after i am honest with myself, him, and others. it IS freeing. i am in such a better place this week and i can't even explain how he can do this in me. thanks so much for your honesty!! i pray today you would TANGIBLY feel him enter in and begin what he loves to do in our brokenness. even that he would speak to you 25 things that he loves about you and your heart for him. he's really good at doing that :)

  8. You are definitely not alone! I think as women, and especially mothers, we try to do too much and in this we often leave the important things undone. I, too, could have written most of this list. It is so wonderful and speaks volumes about you that you ended your list with a plea to Jesus. We sometimes forget that He has said "Give me your burden, and I will give you rest." Hope things start looking up for you! You have prayers going up for you!

  9. I will agree you are NOT alone!! But one thing that helps me is trying to remember that our children are here to teach us and help us grow. Change does not happen over night. But every time you are in a situation just know, that every little moment is a chance for change.

  10. Candra, if I made a list it would vary only slightly from yours, maybe plus some, thank you for your transparency... I can tell you this much, if there was a place to start, it was here... you've just encouraged countless women that they are not the only one's who feel this way... some times I feel like a total basket case!!! I HIGHLY recommend Lisa Bevere's "Lioness Arising" I'm reading it right now, and it has empowered and encouraged me SOOOOOOOOO much... I don't love reading books like that either, and I haven't gotten super far... it's taking me a while... BUT just the first chapter empowered me in my place as a woman, and our influence as women in the body. You are such a beautiful example to me and so many others. I just appreciate you, and Christ in you so so much... I'm praying for you sweet friend...

  11. I so very much admire your transparency. Reminds me of the phrase "Where do you begin to eat an elephant?" So overwhelmed by the seeming enormity of things, you don't know where to start. You're NOT alone. There are at least 2 of us staring at elephants! This post seems to have been taken straight from my heart last week...the day before I started my cycle. Evil, evil hormones. ;-)

  12. Confession brings cleansing and healing, dear Candra....thankfully He is greater and stronger than than the tempter...praying for you today.

  13. I know you already know it, but I'll say it anyways! You are a wonderful mother, wife, and child of God! I feel just like that before my period too. ((((HUGS))))

  14. I was a mother of 4 by the time I was 24 years old. I remember experiencing EVERY failure you described, except I was fighting for a broken marriage, unequally yoked. My mother and several other "older" women told me that my 20's would be the hardest time of my life and then I would find myself in my 30's. Mom said I would run "to and fro"in my 20's but in my 30's I would realize my identity, I would become mature in my Spirit and emotions, yet still be young enough to have physical strength and youthful beauty. These women were right!! Like you, I was wise beyond my years and determined to "do it right"!! I exhausted myself and now, for the first time in my life, at 32, I can rest and be driven all at the same time. I am confident and transparent about my failures in an effort to set others free from theirs. You remind me of myself every time I read your blogs and posts. You are on the "right" track! Don't rush, don't perform, you were created for the very moment you are in, savor it! I missed a lot with my older children trying to do it all "right". You are just right the way you are right now. Relax, be still, know that HE is God! Great job being mom, wife, child of God!!!

  15. Thanks for your transparancy, Candra. I think we are all there at some point, especially when we have little ones!!

  16. I like the honesty, and this was me the last two weeks, EXACTLY. God is showing me things in my heart that need attention. Candra, you are awesome and hilarious. You bring us much joy :)

  17. Personally, I love you better when you're messy ;). Room for improvement means a reason to get up in the morning. Now post the pro's list... I'm on the edge of me seat!

  18. we are here to lift you up and hear from Him for you and,in return, you will minister to us!!! go girl!

  19. I just cried reading this. You're the more inspiring person in my life. We haven't seen each other in years, and we live states away, but I still consider you one of my best friends. You have to know how amazing you are and ALWAYS have been. You're an excellent wife and mother and friend. I know how hard it is to admit your imperfections, and I commend you for it. But just know that I think you're pretty damn perfect anyway. :)

  20. love u love this post and feel the same way. thankful sooo thankful that in God's eyes we r 4 bc i dont know how 2 get my legos in the right bins either.

  21. Hey Candra--I'm going to add to the others who have said that I was just here. Literally, last week feeling like such a failure at everything. Speaking it, along with my failings (some that I had been harboring for a while), was so freeing. When we confess with our mouth, he is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse us. Praying that He washes you with His presence and His cleansing blood/love. Love you!

  22. also... they're gonna lose those teeth anyway, so rot on.

  23. I love you, and am proud of you! xoxoxo

  24. You have a love for your family that is deeper than anyone can see. You love yourself enough to realize that you also need time alone to encourage and energize yourself so that you can pour out even more to them. You are humble enough to confess your shortcomings, which leads to you being healed and receiving grace. And my guess is you in turn show that same grace to the ones around you, even when you don't realize you do. So be encouraged, Candra. And if you're up late, have some tea and read a book and don't get down about it. Every day comes with new mercies, and new gifts from God specially for you.

    My house is grubbier than yours. I guarantee it. Does that make me want to sit criss-cross-applesauce on the floor sometimes and cry about it? Yes. Do I cook meals occasionally that no one wants to eat? Uh-huh. Does every mom go through this stuff? Yep. Does every mom doubt the importance of her very existence sometimes, much less her value as a wife and mother? Way too often. But do any of these things actually mean you have failed? At anything? No.

    You are exactly what your husband needs, and exactly what your sons need. You were made to be a mother to those boys. Everything you do and think you fail at is not done in vain. And pretty much every mother out there feels the way you do, especially the young ones. I remember bawling on my mother's shoulder after Bobby's first trip to the dentist. His teeth were rotting. All of my kids' primary teeth rot, despite my brushing them. Does that make me feel like a crappy mother? Yep. I can't keep a schedule more than a week. Does that make me feel less than? Sometimes.

  25. I would like to tell you the list of things I am struggling with...

  26. your blogpost made me weep. not cry, weep. don't worry, i'm not about to give you advice, i cried because i can relate to 24 of the things on your list and the reason it is not 25 is because my house has always been grubby. thanks for sharing. i wanted to encourage you by reminding you that God does NOT see that when He looks at you. he sees perfection. in light of His Son's perfect sacrifice we have been made perfect. not ok. not good enough. not crappy but He loves us anyways. nothing we can ever do will add to or take away from that. and i know we all hear "God won't give you anymore than you can handle" all the time, but it is particularly helpful for me to remember that God won't give my kids and husband anymore than they can handle and that He has provided them grace to be my kids/husband as well! i am praying for you, i can't imagine moving with 3 little children....God has uniquely gifted you in so many ways, and i am thankful for your constant example of humilty and how you are always striving to be real.

  27. You are loved and appreciated Candra! I will be praying for you today!

  28. You.Are.Wonderful.

    No one is perfect. I was where you were a few months ago. Praying for you.

  29. Sounds like you had a rough day yesterday. I don't have any answers but I definitely know how you feel. Nation sounds a lot like my oldest son. He has definitely caused me to seek God in a way I otherwise would not of. God has used him to humble me and challenge me, daily...momently. I love my son, but he can exasperate me quicker than anyone. I am constantly reminding myself that God has a purpose and a plan. God fearfully and wonderfully made him and put him in our family, under my care for a purpose. I can do all things through Christ. He will equip me to parent this child. The older he gets, the more my inconsistencies and sin reflect from him. It is very chilling and humbling. At moments I feel despair, but I keep hoping in God and His power to change me and my children. Several months ago as I was praying and seeking God I came upon Phillippians 1, Paul writing to the church at Phillipi. God really impressed upon my heart to apply this as I pray to Him for my children. Here it is paraphrased/summed up by what God showed me.

    vs.3 Thank God everytime I think about my children, give thanks for them.
    vs.4 JOY, in every prayer, make my requests with joy. To me joy and hope go together.
    vs.6 Here is the hope that I cling to: "Being confident in this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Christ"
    vs.9 Specifics I pray for: love may abound more and more(their love and my love)in knowledge and judgment(I believe this is wisdom)
    vs.10 That they and myself will embrace the excellent and be sincere and without offense(both offending and taking offense).
    vs.11 Being filled with the fruits of righteousness

    Praise, God that He is Faithful!

    As far as your list goes, I could have written that and more. Satan really loves to get us in a place of discouragement and doubt because he knows it will stop us dead in our tracks. Just by sharing it all, you exposed the lies you were believing and I'm sure you have already started combating them with HIS truth. Joanna Weaver in "Having a Mary Heart in A Martha World" shares the three deadly d's Satan uses in our lives. They are distraction-busyness, getting our eyes off of God, discouragement-feeling overwhelmed which opens the door to doubt-doubting God, His goodness, who we are in Him, what we can do through Him...down, we spiral. Been there, done that too many times to number. Praise, God He is always there waiting to pull us out! Just remember it is in our weakness that He is strong. He is just wanting empty vessels He can use, when I get to the point where you are at, I am at my lowest, ready to release it all to God, give up my doing and striving and just let God be God in me and through me. It is a daily battle, of the flesh and spirit. Paul shared these same thoughts and struggles, Romans 7:14-20 and Galatians 5:17. I really believe Satan is working overtime right now. I have felt a tremendous amount of spiritual warfare in my life and family. It is draining. Strife and contention have been at an all time high around here. I just have to keep resisting and standing strong in Him...when the strength is gone to stand then I cling to Him.

  30. Thank you all. For all your time & thought, and uplifting loving words. They are my treasure.

    The Day After Yesterday's Post

  31. my uncle always says any normal people you know, you don't really know. :) Everyone has those days and struggles that are just overwhelming...thanks again for transparency.

  32. Oh my! I thought you were telling me all about me! I feel a lot of those things at the moment. It makes me think of Paul saying in romans - The good that I would I do not - although he really wants to it is a struggle against his flesh. That is where we need to focus on the right - I can do all things through Christ that strengthen me :-) xxhugsxx

  33. Your list is seriously word for word my list!!! It's the list that goes through my head all day and all night... I think that's the way the enemy wants it. I feel like a failure so I eat to make myself feel better... then I can't fit into any of my clothes and I lash out at my husband... it's a vicious cycle... and I could add another 25 things to the list. Know that you're not alone sister... obviously by the number of comments you know that... NO ONE has it all together... no one... if they don't struggle with what we struggle with... it's something else!! I love your honesty and you are constantly an encouragement to me in my journey as a mother and a woman of God. Now I must go because my two year old is crying screaming for me to get off the computer... if that's not convicting I don't know what is!:)

  34. I don't know you, but I just came across your blog while googling around. I could've written this myself - thank you for sharing, makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one!!!!!!!

  35. this is soooo just what i needed to read right now. thank you for sharing and making me feel like i'm not alone ;) i just had baby #4 (so that makes 4 kids 5 and under) and am having trouble staying on top of things.......

  36. Really needed to read this tonight. Thank you. I feel this way the majority of the day. I have three children, 4, 2,1. Love love my life, but so overwhelmed by it. Thank you again.

  37. Re reading again tonight.



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