[This post may be too much of a downer for some of you, sorry, it's reality for me right now]
I'm up at nearly 2 am, because I can't sleep. My mind is swirling with all my failure from today. My failed attempts to train Nation, my drained heart that "greeted" my husband after work, and the fallout that followed both. I know you'll say I'm being too hard on myself and I know you'll say making a list of things wrong with you isn't healthy. You're probably right about both. Yet, I'm already feeling better. It's out. Exposed. Known. Now, maybe, The Lord can begin to further invade these areas. I've tried, but I've failed. I need Him to come and do it through me. I need His love.
Things I'm down about lately:
I can't ever stick to a schedule.
I stay up too late.
I sleep in too late.
I'm always tired.
I rarely spend time with Jesus.
I'm not encouraging enough to my husband.
I speak rudely to my husband.
My house has become grubbier and grubbier.
I stay online too much.
I hardly ever read to my kids.
I hardly ever sit down with my older kids individually.
I religiously go through the motions without even realizing it.
I never brush my kids teeth.
I don't memorize scripture.
I'm always behind on my Beth Moore.
I'm not good at loosing weight.
I'm selfish with my husband.
I speak rudely to my kids.
I don't give away as much money as I know I should.
I can't seem to finish a book.
I'm struggling to meet any of my goals.
I'm rarely walking in the supernatural anymore.
I operate mostly out of my flesh.
I'm so passive to the lies & attacks against my thoughts.
I blame everyone else.
I want more kids, but think I'm already doing a poor job.
I'm always late.
I fear I'll never become who I want to be.
I don't know where to start.
I feel like I get up and the same things happen all over again.
I feel like quitting.
I hate failing.
I'm probably too prideful to even pinpoint the amount.
I'm overly emotional.
I'm too easily angered.
I loose control.
I get too angry.
I've been the same for too long.
I fear I'll never change.
I wonder if I'm alone, but could never tell anyone all this.
I have great intentions and terrible follow through.
I do love my God. I do love my husband. I do love my kids. I do love my friends, and I do love strangers. However, I'm overwhelmed by how poorly I daily---tangibly---communicate and show this. I feel like I'm beyond the "I'm a mess---in need of Jesus", and I've crossed over to, "I'm such a mess forget it Lord, please give up on me too". I feel like I have.
I'm about to start my period. Hence, the drama of this post.
And yet, it's worked like a truth serum.
I hope I'm not alone.
I know what I ought to do, but don't do it.
There is no one to blame, but me.
There is no excuse, but my disobedience.
How do I get here? So discouraged, I don't even want to get better.
But I do.
I don't really need your advice, I don't mean this pridefully, but I already know---I already know what I should be doing, but somehow it seems so hard...so much resistance. I know where to go, but I don't know where to start, or maybe I do, but the journey seems to long and hard [as if this one isn't]. Encouragement & Prayer, I'll take.
I stare at this mess [me] like my 4 year old stares at his messy room---he hears the command to clean it up, but is overwhelmed. Jesus, please come to my room, and help me pick up all these pieces. Get this started for me. Clear the floor of these 400 legos and help me organize my life into the right bins. Your buckets of time. Please encourage me and continue to hold me accountable until this room is all picked up. Remind me that I am four and it doesn't [won't] ever be perfect, but I can certainly do more than I'm doing now.