Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day Last Year: Worst Day of My Life [Then & Now]

[proof you can smile for a picture, even if you're not there]

Last year on Mother's Day, might have been one of my lowest moments to date. 

Charles and I's marriage was a rocky as it gets...
Because of this Nation was uncontrollably acting out...
Because of this someone pulled me aside to question if he needed medication...
Because of all of this I felt pinned against the wall with Satan's claws in my throat...

I stumbled to a stranger and asked for her to just pray for me because I had no words to explain the emptiness [and violence] inside me.

It had been a rough year. For me. For Charles. For Nation. All coming to a head on what should have been a celebratory day. I remember I didn't sleep all night and as soon as the sun came out I went for a run. 

I don't run. [Well, I didn't at the time.]

It wasn't for exercise. I was running, hoping, somehow, I could exhaust my problems, exhaust my breath, exhaust my life.

We didn't speak at lunch. There was no card. No gift. It wouldn't have mattered. Even though he had left me notes all around the house...I felt nothing.

Someone also walked up to me that morning and just flat out asked me if I had baby blues. It was turning out to be quite the day. I held my few week old baby in arms and hoped I wasn't "one of those women." I still don't know if it had anything to do with that, but I'm sure hormones weren't helping. There were definitely more of them, than me.

I had once considered just driving off, leaving everyone, and never coming back. But that was for Marie Osmond and not me.

It was the first time in my life I ever felt so empty. More empty than before I knew Christ. To know Christ, and then to not be able to feel Him anymore...was worse.

My spirit was broken.

No matter how hard life ever got, I always had Christ. That day, I felt robbed of the only thing I thought no one could take away from me.

Fast forward 365 days later.

God's redemption + my marriage = today
My perfectly normal son + no drugs = today
My heart alive + fully feeling Christ = today

I will wake up tomorrow morning, in the same bed, but in a new house. Exactly three months ago today, we put an offer on a house. A house, we'd looked at two years ago, when things started falling apart. The same house. God, in all His redemption, had us unknowingly "accidentally" re-stumble upon it. 

Offer changes, lender changes, loan changes, 4 extensions, 5 closing date changes later...we close, move, and wake to...Mother's Day. 365 days later.

We should have closed on my birthday, then Charles', but I now see God's hand working all "unfortunate delays" out just so He could give me this redemptive blessing.

It's more to me than walls, and rooms. It's being at the end, seeing this story come to a close and marveling at how He did it.

I'm not blessed because of this house. I'm blessed because my God redeems Hallmark holidays like no body else.

Believe in His redemptive power in your life today.

Happy Mother's Day.

Keep believing...


  1. This brought a tear to my eye. Thank you for sharing. Happy Mother's day ♥.

  2. This really blessed me today. I have felt this same way this week alone. I needed to hear this and I thank you so much for posting it.

  3. Thank you Candra. Thank you for your prayers, support, faith and sharing hope. Blessings back 100 fold on how you've blessed me!

  4. God's redemption is beautiful! Your transparency reflects His love and hope beautifully. Thank you for sharing and being transparent. I'm so excite you are in your new home and just down the street.



Related Posts with Thumbnails