The Hardest Part Of Parenting For Me

Have you ever had the carousel operator at the zoo stop the entire ride just because your child was not sitting on the carousel properly?

Well now I have.

Actually, even though I warned all three of my boys, all three of them were not properly riding on the ride while I was a few animals away holding my 2 year old daughter on one. For the love! I mean, what is he doing? Yoga meditation? Nothing about this brings mommy Zen, nothing.

The hardest part of parenting for me is not getting my idendity wrapped up in my kids behavior.

Hands down.

I don't mind the laundry, or the dishes, or the potty training or the hot days at the park as much as I mind the [extreme exaggeration coming up prepare yourself] constant embarrassment children bring. If it wasn't enough to have one kid peeing in the bushes, or one kid standing on top of your car, or one kid running circles around you in a store--- I thought it was a good idea to have four.

And I want more.

Because I think I have a subconscious desire to be the most humbled person on the planet.

I didn't say humble. I said humbled.

Don't get me wrong, I love those four like no other. But the way they act sometimes makes me feel like everything I have done has been for nothing. All the talks, all the discipline, all the restrictions, all the scripture, all the heart-to-hearts, all the TIME!

I told a friend today, I feel like I spent hours mixing, baking, icing, and decorating a cake to have someone trip me and I slip and fall and watch it crash in front of everyone at the party. When I've spent all week teaching and training you first time obedience, and given you consequences I wish you didn't make me, and I've spent all the time talking to you about your heart and then as soon as the words leave my mouth---

"ride on the ride correctly"

your first thought is to stand on the animal, or not hold onto the animal, or jump on and off the animal

I honestly want to go get your ears checked.

But really--- It's my heart that needs the checking.

You are kids.

I'm not making excuses for you, or your sin, but two wrongs don't make a right.

When my first words aren't "You disobeyed mommy and therefore disobeyed God"

but they are "You have humiliated me, you have embarrassed me"

I know my heart needs just as much grace and change as yours.

You are kids.

You are flesh in the flesh.

Sure you've been introduced to Jesus, or may even know him, but boy are you on the starting line of letting your life be step by step directed by him.

I want you to be perfect and flawless and most of all make me look good.

I want all my hard work TO SHOW.

Because this is a performance right?

I need to remember in this moment, this is what kids do, they fail, and they need a trainer. They need someone who can love, direct and yes discipline them. What they don't need is me being shamed by how it made me look to others.

I had two friends there today and I wanted to crawl in a hole. Why does it always feel like when your kid messes up, they are the only ones who ever have? Why do you feel like the only mother whose kids aren't always behaving? Why do you feel like the other mother failure?

The only thing I've failed at is birthing perfect kids. And so has every other mother in the world.

Let our identity be in who God calls us, not in our kids performance.

Daughter.
Enough.
Beautiful.
Powerful.
Strong.
Graceful.

How To Travel With Kids Alone

2378 miles.

15 hours there.

12 hours back.

9 days.

5 kids.

1 mommy.

Earlier this month I traveled from the suburbs of Atlanta to College Station, TX to see my youngest [half] sister graduation from high school with my four kids in tow [8,7,5,2]. My husband had to stay back and finish up a project so I brought a rent-a-helper,Noah, my fourteen year old brother. He didn't really charge me. As the saying goes---you get what you pay for. [just kidding]

Our trip landed us at College Station, Horseshoe Bay Resort, Montgomery, and Dallas.

We saw lots of family and friends and really enjoyed our time---mostly swimming!

Without further ado---

10 Tips For Moms Traveling Long Distances Alone With Kiddos Sans Husband

1. leave early in the morning 
[avoids traffic, daylight safer to drive in alone, drive feels shorter because you arrive when its still daylight, easier to stay awake]

2. after you gps your destination gps nearest starbucks along the way
[triple shot it up baby!]

3. snacks, snacks, snacks
[if the kids whine, complain, cry, ask how much longer, or seem bored---throw them a bag of chips]

4. use a bluetooth headset or one ear bud
[allows you to listen to Jim Gaffigans comedy albums in one ear while still safely driving with one ear to hear sirens or your kids monstrously loud animated movie with the other]

5. bathroom stops---everyone goes even if "i don't have to go"
[less stops happen if you only serve water during the drive and keep in mind the goal is less than a 15 minute stop---don't forget bring Lysol wipes for the toddler who likes to wipe her entire business all over the potty upon mounting herself on the toilet following her demand to completely disrobe including her shoes to do so]

6. electronic devices are not necessary, but in my experience help
[iPads or dvd players are great and don't forget long power cords to charge in car and headphones ]

7. Redbox movies
[you can rent a movie from any red box along your journey and return it in any other city or state, my kids seemed to like "new" movies---that $1 sure kept them quiet!

8. pack light
[nothing makes it easier for getting in and out of the car and in and out of bags especially if you stop at multiple locations like we did if you have very little to load and or move around--- like your big box fan which is obviously essential]

9. pick your battles
[you are alone. where normally you might be all strict-parent-boot-camp on your kids so they grow up to be pleasant human beings---don't be afraid to offer them ice cream every single night if they promise to not make you cry---you can undo all this after only a few short painful weeks when you get home #speakingfromexperience]

10. prepare your heart
[that you and the kids may or may not sleep super well at other peoples places, that you might not get to relax really under that beach umbrella you can't wait to take a selfie under, or that you will look like a model parent at the pool as your children "make friends" by water gunning other adult guests in the face]


People kept telling me how brave I was to do this trip alone. Really, I was so blessed to have my sister [who lives in TX] and brother help me so much along the way I could not have done it without them and lots of very gracious and accommodating family members. We swam everyday, looked for local parks, and did pretty much anything thing I could think of to keep the kids from being wound up in the hotels. At the end of the day, it was either a little bit of crazy and excitement in TX, or just a lot of crazy and boredom back in Georgia.

I picked the one with the beach umbrellas!

I'm sure there are more things I would add to my list like: don't bring a newborn who would need to nurse and or scream a lot [got lucky this year!], or don't be pregnant that requires too many bathroom stops [also missed that boat this year but have sailed it enough to let you know it's okay to miss it this time around], don't bring a book, you won't have time to read it, make sure to sign up for AAA if you still don't know how to change a tire, bring a small trash that can double as a "incase someone vomits" or also please aim your trash near this [because inside of it would apparently be asking too much of you].

I promise you, if I can do it, you can do it.

I hope I've encouraged some crazy in you.

May Jesus be with you, He's a little less busy now that I'm back from this trip.

This Is My Holy

I remember the exact weekend I realized the Lord leading me to marry my now husband. I called my mom on the phone and said, “But how can I marry him? I think he wants lots of kids and wants to homeschool them! I’m called to travel and preach on stages!”

Since I was little I had seen visions of myself preaching on stages to thousands of people and now I was facing motherhood? I was finishing up my college degree at the time and had an incredible job at one of the world’s most famous Christian organizations. I was going places…but not with kids.

It took one movie to change my life. The Passion Of The Christ. No, I’m kidding, it was actually Cheaper By The Dozen. I saw that hot mess of a house and dirty kids running around and somehow---somehow---was in love with the idea. God had changed my heart. He showed me stages aren’t the only places the Gospel is preached.

I grew up thinking if you love Jesus with all your heart you travel and preach the Gospel on stages. You hold gatherings, not babies. Fast forward almost 10 years of marriage and four kids later and I'm not on a stage: I'm IN one.

In this stage I see the Gospel preached day in and day out. Let's face it, my two year old? She is NOT saved! My daily life gives me plenty of opportunities to preach Jesus to people--- specifically four little people… Nation, Solomon, Moses, and Heaven.

I’ve heard the call to being a stay at home mom. I’ve heard the call to homeschool my kids. Not because being a homeschool mom is a higher calling than a mom in the workplace or a mom on a stage, but because it was the call on my life.

I’m so glad I answered it.

Has it been tough? Yes. Impossible at times? Yes.

But has it been overwhelmingly beautiful as well? Absolutely.

I think one day we will still travel, and I think one day there may still be literal stages, but I want to live fully in the stage of today. I want to be completely content and joyfully present today. I know that the changing of diapers is just as spiritual and valuable to the Lord as the changing of medical dressings in a hospital and just as valuable as helping change a stranger's path from eternal death to enteral life by preaching the Gospel with words.

Someone has to do it. Someone has to answer to the call to love, comfort, and teach the next generation--- to the next evangelist or missionary or… mommy. After all, maybe the stages that will be preached on won’t be preached on by me, but rather by part of me--- my little disciples. I can imagine their voices echoing in a stadium.  

All the work we dedicate to the Lord is holy. Motherhood is holy. Staying at home is holy. Working outside the home is holy. Wherever God calls and we obey becomes holy.

I have had to put aside daydreams of where I would be now if I were still working for that organization while in college. I have had to give up a lot to be fully present in this season, but I believe I will reap a holy harvest. I know that my sacrifices (even if overlooked at times by my husband, or society, or my friends and family) are never overlooked by the Lord.

I have a lot of gifts and talents that may seem to have been better used outside the home, but for now, in the Lord's eyes, those talents are being used exactly as He planned. God has called me to use them in the home, and I am happy to do so.

Because He’s worthy.

So, be all in at whatever stage you're in. If he’s called you to be a stay at home mom… be there. If he’s called you to homeschool… be there. Be where He is. Be a missionary to your little disciples.  You don’t need an Instagram full of people hashtagging your preaching at conferences to prove you’ve served God well--- an Instagram full of playgrounds and math books will do… for now!

Show me your holy this week on IG #thisismyholy

That Time The Mother Duck And I Understood Each Other

Recently I took my kids to the Atlanta Botanical Gardens [because I love field trips for the obvious reason---keeping my house clean an entire day while we are out of it]. The day was beautiful, the kids were surprisingly well behaved--- no one fell into water, damaged any plants and we only lost a few kids a few times. I got 5 of us in for the price of one, and brought a lunch so naturally I'll relay this trip to my husband as [practically] free. Ha.

At the end of the day, we were by a pond when a mother was on a little island in the middle of it with her nearly dozen ducklings when just like a scene out of a cartoon a duckling fell clumsily into the water.

I swear I saw her eyes roll.

I am not a duck, but in that moment, I wish I spoke duck, because I wanted her to know "oh girl, I get you, I get your life".

I am sure she felt just like me when one child has to suddenly go potty and we must pull over and all 5 of us un-seat belt----relocate our shoes and all go into the germ infested tight space where inevitably someone will comment about how large my bottom is.

So back to the duck.

She couldn't go rescue the one duckling and risk the others hurting themselves in the mean time so she "unloaded" all ducklings into the water, they followed her and then she redirected them all back onto the island once "that child" was rescued.

[We all have that child]

Just at that moment I caught his image of her.

Tell me she isn't saying to me with her eyes "I mean...really?"

Mama Duck, we live in the same mama world, with the slight difference that I do not poop outside nor isn't it socially acceptable for me to be naked and braless in public, other than that.

Mama Duck, I get your life.

#canwealljuststayoutofthewaterplease
#waittopottytillwegethome
#forgetduckface
#duckeyeroll

I Never Knew, I Just Never Knew

I never knew how much I would adore you.

Daughter---you are everything I never even dreamed of.

You---

...use a higher, sweeter, teenier voice when you are trying to persuade me

...prefer pink and "pee-pull" [purple] to all other colors

...layer yourself in dresses and skirts and always place a crown in sight upon your head

...bat your eyes and twirl around when I tell you how beautiful you are

...love babies like your mother

I always wanted children, and sure one day... someone I could buy pink for... but I wasn't prepared for the days to turn into months and then into years... of me still in sheer awe of the loveliness of having a daughter.

No one prepared me for the innocent beauty of a first little girl.

I cherish you so, and by the grace of God will always protect and nurture all of your beauty.

Less Room To Be OCD

People always tell me "I could never let my kids do what you do... I'm too uptight for that." That comment always comes funny to me as most of the people who make it didn't known me pre-motherhood to know I was a pretty tightly wound person. 

I honestly don't know how people have several children and stay tightly wound. 

Sure, my car use to be emaciate and I still don't like my house dirty [or my shirt, or my everything, ha.]

Yes, there is still apart of me that cringes when I hear "Can I use this for a science project?" or "Can I have some glue... I have an idea..." But the things they create, make, and learn seem to always stick out more in my mind than the messes--- because those always get cleaned up.

You can measure messes in ounces and paper towels, but you can't measure lessons learned in the here and now. Every block stacked and rope tied appears to just be a mess now, but it's the first act in a grand play of a future invention. 

So---my advice---let them make a mess.

[and teach them to clean up after themselves!]

2015 New Years Resolutions

I've been posting these on my blog for 5 years now. Apparently I'm still trying to lose 40 pounds, see below. #5thtimesacharm

1. Gospel Preached

In the businness of life, I can go days, weeks, or even months it feels like without sharing my faith. It's not a religious task I feel I'm neglecting, as much as it is a great joy to share about the Great Rescuer and I can't see how that's so easily forgotten. My resolution is to find more ways to allow for more encounters with the lost.

2. One Year Bible

I've done if several times before, but don't like to do the same schedule every year. Excited to have this structure back in my life this year. Probably will take advantage of the audio option on my phone a lot. 

3. Journal

Every year I want to journal more, but this year I want to specifically journal times when the Lord has shown Himself to me... little ways ...big ways ... or when He gives me a word [like a picture, scripture, prophetic, or from someone else].

4. How We Love Workbook

Charles and I read a book that really changed the way we addressed all relationship issues [marriage, family, child raising, friendships, etc]. and we purchased the workbook, but never completed it, it takes about two years to do so. I am hoping we spend several more nights this year going over the questions with one another and deepening our relationship. 

5. Teach Responsibility

As my boys are getting older, I am realizing more and more the importance of them becoming hard workers. Loving the Lord is the most important, and of course all the math and reading and history etc. is important, but what good does it do a adult who is full of knowledge, but won't work hard? I have enjoyed giving the boys extra chores and responsibilities this year [thank you Jesus for a slight break in ALL the chores], but looking forward to more character training and organization of it all. Not so much the process as the result, ha.

6. Disciple and Be Discipled

I would love more opportunities to pour my life into those around me, and am believing God for even more mentorship in my life this year as well. Few things make me as happy as speaking into women's lives. Life is hard, we have to encourage one another! 

7. Pray

Again, how can the most important things get lost so easily in my day? I talk to the Lord throughout the day, which is prayer, but specifically I want take more advantage of books that I own. I really believe in the power of confessing the truth out loud. 

8. Keep Shooting

This year has given me lots of wonderful opportunities to practice my love of photography. I got to shoot my first engagement, first wedding, first birth, many babies, and lots of families. I am resolved to keep learning and keep practicing. 

9. Scrapbook

I love love love to look over my scrapbooks from years past and see all the beautiful pictures of my family and everywhere the Lord has taken us... however, I do not love how little time I have to do it. I'm behind, which I know is normal, but I really want to prioritize getting caught up so I don't just quit! Jesus give me 25 hours a day this year.

10. Lose 40 pounds

Hey, it wouldn't be a resolution unless weight was on it. Oh dear, I lost about 15 pounds last year, hey, it's something. If I want to add another sweet baby to this family I have to get on with this resolution. I did manage to walk at 6 am with a friend everyday of the week for several months this fall until it got too cold. So motto... eat less, exercise more. Wish me luck. Or supernatural power.