Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Cleaning, Comparing and Crushed Goldfish

I am torn between wanting to spend all my time cleaning to be [and appear] like I have it all together or relax and do my best while still maintaing a pleasant relationship with my husband and children. After all, isn't it ever mans dream to have a tightly wound overly busy wife and clean floors? Don't kids like when mom [today] yells into thin air nonsense about floors, carpets, and dishes?
But then again...doesn't every good mom have a clean house? All the time? It matters, a lot, right? I can hear the judgmental thoughts in my head "well I do it...there's no need to make could do it."
I'm suppose to care about what God cares about, right? Not about what I care about. Namely [and apparently]...looking good to other people. Also known as, people pleasing.
You know the ironic thing? Just yesterday I asked the Lord to speak to me...anything. Just speak. I completely and totally expected a long list of things for me to do to better please him. You know like "pray for this country" "take so and so a meal" "read this book" "sleep more"
You know what He said--- "You're a good mom".
Stopped me right in my tracks. Huh? *tears* Really? The God of the universe just wants to---encourage me? Not give me something to do or improve on? It's no surprise to me that 24 hours later I'm being attacked with every judgmental and preforming demon within a 50 mile radius.
So let's get this straight. You, are healthy. Know Jesus. Are married to a man that deeply & dearly loves you. Have 4 beautiful healthy children you have the privilege of being with all day. Live in America. Practically live a royal lifestyle compared to the rest of the world. All your needs are met, and most of your wants. And you're worried/stressed/have anxiety/a tightened chest/have cried today over the fact that maybe your house isn't always as clean and organized as you like?
*Clears Throat* You have a three month old right?
But She...
Ahh Comparing.
Because my life is exactly like hers and it's completely fair to compare our lives. Oh and biblical [ha!]. Our husbands are the same. Have the same job. Work the same hours. Help and encourage us the exact same. We have the same amount of kids, same ages, same sex, same personalities and struggles. Our houses are the same size too. So it's completely understandable why I want to be the best version of her instead of doing my best to be the best version of me.
Bottom line. I care what people think more than what pleases God.
God wants me to do what He's doing. If He's cleaning my house---I'm cleaning my house. If He's spending time with my kids, I'm spending time with my kids. So on and so forth. He knows me. He knows what I do with my time and He knows how hard I work. He knows I'm not lazy and He knows I love to clean and organize. He knows I chose my husband, my kids, and yes why even myself [resting!] over chores. He doesn't send guilt my way and He isn't asking me to change anything. He's perfectly pleased with the verison of myself.
He knows I'm doing my best. But I'm so worried people will look at the crushed goldfish on my floor and not see it too.
At the end of the day, I want to be known as a woman who loved Jesus, her husband, her children, her family & friends mightily. Not as the woman whose floors were the cleanest they'd ever seen. At this rate of chasing Jesus half the time and chasing people's approval the other half. People will end up half loved around me and my floors will end up half neglected as well. My calling is to love well. Clean, yes, but because it's necessary for order---not appearance.
Can you have both? Maybe you can. I currently don't. The point is, I need to be happy for you, and content with me.
So if you come to my house and it's not perfectly clean, organized, or decorated. Maybe you can appreciate the smiles on my husband & kids faces---because mommy didn't yell into thin air today. She just did her best. And that's all her Creator asked her to do.
So moms---if you haven't heard lately---You're a great mom. Just do your best. Be the best version of---You. Not "Her".

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