Friday, July 31, 2015

The Hardest Part Of Parenting For Me



Have you ever had the carousel operator at the zoo stop the entire ride just because your child was not sitting on the carousel properly?

Well now I have.

Actually, even though I warned all three of my boys, all three of them were not properly riding on the ride while I was a few animals away holding my 2 year old daughter on one. For the love! I mean, what is he doing? Yoga meditation? Nothing about this brings mommy Zen, nothing.

The hardest part of parenting for me is not getting my idendity wrapped up in my kids behavior.

Hands down.

I don't mind the laundry, or the dishes, or the potty training or the hot days at the park as much as I mind the [extreme exaggeration coming up prepare yourself] constant embarrassment children bring. If it wasn't enough to have one kid peeing in the bushes, or one kid standing on top of your car, or one kid running circles around you in a store--- I thought it was a good idea to have four.

And I want more.

Because I think I have a subconscious desire to be the most humbled person on the planet.

I didn't say humble. I said humbled.

Don't get me wrong, I love those four like no other. But the way they act sometimes makes me feel like everything I have done has been for nothing. All the talks, all the discipline, all the restrictions, all the scripture, all the heart-to-hearts, all the TIME!

I told a friend today, I feel like I spent hours mixing, baking, icing, and decorating a cake to have someone trip me and I slip and fall and watch it crash in front of everyone at the party. When I've spent all week teaching and training you first time obedience, and given you consequences I wish you didn't make me, and I've spent all the time talking to you about your heart and then as soon as the words leave my mouth---

"ride on the ride correctly"

your first thought is to stand on the animal, or not hold onto the animal, or jump on and off the animal

I honestly want to go get your ears checked.

But really--- It's my heart that needs the checking.

You are kids.

I'm not making excuses for you, or your sin, but two wrongs don't make a right.

When my first words aren't "You disobeyed mommy and therefore disobeyed God"

but they are "You have humiliated me, you have embarrassed me"

I know my heart needs just as much grace and change as yours.

You are kids.

You are flesh in the flesh.

Sure you've been introduced to Jesus, or may even know him, but boy are you on the starting line of letting your life be step by step directed by him.

I want you to be perfect and flawless and most of all make me look good.

I want all my hard work TO SHOW.

Because this is a performance right?

I need to remember in this moment, this is what kids do, they fail, and they need a trainer. They need someone who can love, direct and yes discipline them. What they don't need is me being shamed by how it made me look to others.

I had two friends there today and I wanted to crawl in a hole. Why does it always feel like when your kid messes up, they are the only ones who ever have? Why do you feel like the only mother whose kids aren't always behaving? Why do you feel like the other mother failure?

The only thing I've failed at is birthing perfect kids. And so has every other mother in the world.

Let our identity be in who God calls us, not in our kids performance.

Daughter.
Enough.
Beautiful.
Powerful.
Strong.
Graceful.

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